It is nearly the end of Monday the 28th of April 2014 and I am going to bed miserable. The whole day I've had such a prevalent feeling of insignificance. Not worthlessness, insignificance. Not a feeling of not being worth anything just not being worth
enough. I mean this in the sense that I'm just average. I'm not worthless I'm just not special and I'll never be special and man is that a terrible feeling to have. It's a feeling I've developed by hearing people say things like "You mean the world to me and I'm so glad you're in my life" to others. I just have never had someone think of me that way except possibly my twin sister. All I want is for the people I care about most to look at me and just be so happy I'm in their lives regardless of how annoying I get sometimes. I don't know why I'm feeling this so much today. Maybe it's because of that beautiful girl who's been going around noticing people on social media......
It is now the evening of Tuesday the 29th and I have to say today was a thousand times better than yesterday. I had a staff meeting for the newspaper I'm on today so that definitely cheered me up. Being part of the newspaper makes me feel like I have a purpose, like I am contributing to something. I think that may be a reason I started Art for RO, to feel I was contributing to something, somehow. To make myself feel like I really could make a difference, and I hope I am making one or will make one someday in the future. The rest of my day was really relaxed. Since I had so many tests today, tomorrow is a lot calmer and so I had just about no homework today. I even ended up taking an hour long nap... There are just about 54 days left until my 15th birthday and I'm really excited. This is the first birthday in a long time that I think the change in age is making me feel
different. I can't remember the last time I thought."Holy crap I'm actually going to be __". One thing that is
really making me feel strange is the fact that when I turn 15 I will no longer be a freshman in high school. I will be 1/4 done and that, that
really feels strange.
Wednesday the 30th. Not much happened today. I had a fairly calm day at school. A French presentation and a quiz were all I had to worry about today and I think they both went fairly well. Lunch was great :) I got to be an extra in a commercial! (Not a real TV commercial, just one for the newspaper). It was really great. We laughed a lot and I felt really happy. Gym sucked as per usual. Having my friends in that class doesn't make it any better because it still feels like everyone ignores me. I painted a little today which was nice and I'm going to bed pretty early compared to how late I've been going to bed for the last week. So, overall a fairly uneventful day....
I am writing this as it is nearly midday of Saturday the 3rd of May. Yesterday was such an eventful and busy day I forgot about the recap. Also, I'm not going to talk about Thursday because it was extremely uneventful and my Wednesday blurb was already super boring and I want people to read these. Here I go:
I woke up on Friday exhausted but with enough energy to decide I was going to wear a skirt to school. I wore my mustache skirt because it's casual but still makes me feel like an awesome princess. The school day was fairly normal. First period a Vietnam war veteran came to speak to us which was a great experience. In between sixth and seventh period they played Love Story in the hallway which made me feel even more like an awesome mustache princess. After school the event I am covering for the newspaper took place so I stayed at school in order to get pictures. It was a community service day and it was nice to see a lot of people doing things for a good cause. I ended up staying over an hour longer than planned so I got home at 4:00. I watched some TV, ate some snacks and in a couple of hours I had to change back out of my sweatpants and into my skirt because my family was going back out to the theater. The show I watched was absolutely fantastic and I am so thankful I get to experience so much wonderful theater.
This morning I woke up to find two new posts on Maya's blog. The first one I read was about how terrible the month of may is for her. In this post she mentioned that this year Ronan would've turned seven. That made me cry, a lot. I remember being seven. I can't remember if it was amazing being seven but it sure wasn't bad. Seven was one of the good ages for me and it just makes me so freaking sad that Ronan never got to turn seven. Cancer is literally the worst. Today is my brother's birthday party and tomorrow is his birthday so I probably won't have time to paint but I sure am going to be advertising my blog like crazy for the next few days and months, and since I have a pretty free summer I will be painting like crazy. I'd like to raise another hundred dollars before I begin sophomore year. It just isn't right that innocent little children like Ronan get their lives taken away from them before they really start. I have to go now as I have a busy day ahead of me. Lots of love, I'll write more tomorrow.
So... it's Sunday the 4th (which also just happens to be my brother's birthday) it's pretty late at night and there's not a lot going on at the moment. I did nothing today but work on homework and cry. Luckily I was so busy I didn't allow myself to get too sad. Yesterday however, was a day to remember.
It was so nice to see my brother so happy and surrounded by people who he really cares about. Throughout the whole party I had mixed emotions because as happy as I was for him, seeing people with a lot of friends just bums me out. That's all I want. Friends who REALLY care about me. Not to insult my friends, they are absolutely lovely human beings and I adore them. Sometimes it just feels like they don't adore me and I just feel lonely ALL the time. But enough of the sad stuff. Happy birthday Matias! I hope you enjoy being 16 and I can't wait for you to drive me places.
New York in less than a week, my 15th birthday in a little over a month. I have so much to look forward to and I'm going to use that to keep me going. Oh, and Taylor, if you somehow stumble upon this... There are two almost fifteen year old girls who would love to meet you sometime so please stay in New York at least one more week, Thanks. With that I say goodbye for now. And if you've read this whole thing. I love you to pieces. You rock.
Love,
Emi at Art for RO.